How to Have a More Sensual Relationship
Author: Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
Couples want to know how to make their relationships more sensual. They know something is missing in the sex-for-orgasm experience, delightful as it is. The trouble is, it can become almost pragmatic, a means to an end.
Hunting for the G-spot and popping Viagra® can become like making bread in a bread-making machine instead of by hand. You will enjoy an enhanced and deeply bonding experience when you move the focus to the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.
MAKE SOME BREAD
Making bread in a bread-making machine is one-step better than going out and buying a loaf of bread, but you’re still missing one of the most sensual experiences you can have. Done right, it engages all the senses. It also takes time. Taking time is what we think we have the least of, and yet it is necessary for a sensual experience. There is nothing mechanical about making bread by hand, no buttons to push, nor is it efficient.
How to proceed? It takes only a few, cheap ingredients. Just throw them all into a bowl, mix it up, and then get your hands in there for the kneading. Here’s a recipe and instructions:http://www.breadworld.com/beginnertips/begintipsd.asp . You’ll need to position yourself correctly, use muscles in your upper arms, and all parts of your hands — fingers, palms, heels. Roll it with the heel of your hand and slide your fingers back over it, caressing it with your palm. (You get the idea!) Enjoy as the dough changes from flour + water to a glistening, beautiful, shining, malleable thing. (Get messy and get into it!)
When is it ready? You have to learn that by experience. (Get it?)
For extra credit: Put the bread in the oven and smell it baking.
And don’t miss slicing into it when it’s piping hot, and spreading real butter on it and SAVOURING it!
PROCESS
See the difference in the experience? Both accomplish the same goal, i.e., making bread, but with one of them getting there is definitely half the fun!
Transform other daily experiences into something sensual applying what you’ve learned from this. Do you grab the dog, brush him as quick as you can and move on to the next task? If so, you’re missing the sensual experience of combing the dog’s hair, feeling his body and musculature, observing his reactions and expressions, using your hands, etc. You’re GETTING A JOB DONE, not HAVING A SENSUAL EXPERIENCE.
You can learn to transform your relationship through the magic of sensuality following these steps, in no particular order:
1. SPEND TIME EXPLORING WHAT YOU LIKE SENSUALLY.
That relates to the 5 senses (sight, sound, smell, taste and touch): What smells good to you and what doesn’t? What looks good to you and what doesn’t? What feels good against your skin and body and what doesn’t? What tastes good and what doesn’t? What sounds good and what doesn’t?
2. GET TO KNOW YOUR PHYSIOLOGICAL RESPONSES TO YOUR SENSUAL EXPERIENCES.
Ask yourself several times a day, “How am I feeling emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally?” Answer the question. Then process what sensory experiences led to what feeling.
3. ASK YOUR PARTNER HOW HE OR SHE FEELS. This is not “How are you?” “Fine.” Put down the newspaper, turn off the TV, turn and look at your partner, and ask, “How are you feeling emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically?” Then listen and learn.
4. BECOME AN EXPERT ON YOUR PARTNER’S NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION.
Words are the clumsiest vehicle we have for communicating how we feel. The most important information is not transmitted that way. Couples who’ve been together a long time, love each other, and are happy, can ‘read each other like a book.’ The slightest glance conveys volumes to the understanding ‘heart’. Resource: “Nonverbal Communication,”http://www.webstrategies.cc/nonverbal_communication.html. Researchers say one trait of the happiest couples is they can sense when the other one is sad.
5. PRACTICE SLOWING DOWN.
You can’t be sensual if you’re in a hurry. This is what “SMELL the roses” refers to. At least once a day stop the madness, stop thinking (that chatter in the left-brain) and FEEL, i.e., experience through your 5 senses (not your intellect). In fact you’ll really know you’re there when you lose sense of time.
6. DEVELOP YOUR 6TH SENSE: INTUITION.
Work with a certified EQ coach to develop your Intuition and bring it more into awareness. You can then “sense” things more quickly and also tune in to your own needs, wants and desires more quickly. Intuition is your surest guide and it can be learned. Resource: “Intuition,”http://www.webstrategies.cc/aintuition.html .
7. INCREASE YOUR PARTICIPATION IN NATURE AND THE ARTS.
Study great art – painting, poetry, classical music. Do this individually, and then plan “nature” outings with your partner where you can stare at the stars, feel the breeze tickle your hair, hear the rustling of the leaves or the pine cones underfoot, taste a ripe, fresh passion fruit (yes!), and feel the rocking of the boat. Leave the chatter out!
8. LEARN ABOUT MASSAGE BY READING.
Read about how to give a massage. Here are 3 free resources: How to Give a Back massage,http://www.journey-to-self.com/back_massage.htm , How to Give a Massage,http://riri.essortment.com/howtogiveama_ryta.htm, and Learn to Give a Great Massage,http://www.massagefree.com .
9. LEARN ABOUT MASSAGE EXPERIENTIALLY.
Schedule a professional massage and consider the masseuse to be ‘modeling’ for you. Learn experientially what you like. Pay attention to the total ambiance they create. If you have a good one, it should include: low lighting, restricted noise level, no talking (not a thinking thing), no jewelry, various techniques, warm, moist towels, oils, symmetry, and music such as “The Most Relaxing Classical Music in the Universe,” “The Pachelbel Canon with Ocean Sounds,” and “Natural Sleep Enducements”.
Sleep enducements? Sensual is about pleasure and relaxation, not arousal. Which leads to point number 10.
10. PONDER THIS THOUGHT: Everything is about sex except sex, and sex is about aggression.
DISTINCTIONS
Thinking v. pondering Looking v. gazing Savouring v. tasting Caressing v. touching Experiencing v. feeling Delivering v. giving Happiness v. pleasure
About the author: ©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, business programs, Internet classes, teleclasses and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence. I train and certify EQ coaches.Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on this fast, affordable, flexible, no-residency program. For FREE ezine, email me and put “ezine” for subject line. Check out the best ebook library on the Internet – www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html .
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