There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. ‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.
‘Only the Ten Commandments. ‘ answered the lady.
‘Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good morning, Lord,’
and there are those who wake up in the morning and
say, ‘Good Lord, it’s morning.’
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: ‘I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.’
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note ‘I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.’
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.’
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, ‘Boys and girls, what do we know about God?’
A hand shot up in the air. ‘He is an artist!’ said the
‘Really? How do you know?’ the teacher asked.
‘You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ‘
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. Reverend,’ said the young man, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’
The minister chuckled, ‘I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.’
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, ‘I know what the Bible means!’
His father smiled and replied, ‘What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?’
The son replied, ‘I do know!’
‘Okay,’ said his father. ‘What does the Bible mean?’
‘That’s easy, Daddy.’ the young boy replied excitedly, ‘It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.”
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young
daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, ‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said ‘Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’
After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’
‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really to drive today.’
‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile?
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.
‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’
‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’
Chief: ‘ A senator?’
Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’
Well,’ said the Chief, ‘Who is it?’
Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’
Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!